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Author: Amy Ostwald
And the word of God came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?” I Kings 19:9
“For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love.” – Carl Sagan
It is dinnertime, and Mom (who has advanced dementia) puts down her fork abruptly. She looks up at me: “I have a question,” she announces. “Why are we here?”
I am stunned. She rarely initiates a conversation— and what a question! Where should I start?
Hmmm… I dive in, starting with our immediate surroundings. “You and Dad bought this piece of property because you wanted us kids to have a safer route to school. You designed this house together— you’ve been here for about 55 years!” Mom looks at me, incredulous. Maybe that wasn’t helpful.
So, I continue. I remind Mom that her great-grandparents had come to Colorado as pioneers. I remind her that, as a young person, she had visited Longmont grandparents every summer and developed a love for Colorado. Choosing to attend CU made sense. Later, living in New York, she met a handsome Coloradan who shared her dream of moving back west. “And then,” I say, “you and Dad had me, your daughter, and that is why we are here together.”
I get a blank stare. I recklessly ramble on to another level, because nothing seems to be registering. “Well,” I say, “We are here because there was a Big-Bang in the universe eons ago which resulted in the formation of the sun and our planet Earth.” And then I add with finality: “Actually, maybe we can just say we are here because of God!” At that, Mom laughs out loud— and I join her. The conversation feels complete.
But Mom’s question stays with me: I know there are many ways to answer her question, but how might I answer the question for myself? Why am I here? I mull it over, slowly blending my faith and my location in history and a bit of Carl Sagan— until I get a one-word answer: “Love.” Love is the reason I am here. And I am here to love.
The simplicity of this answer astounds me. It brings me clarity and peace this day. Mom’s question has become another one of her special gifts to me. I wonder what it would be like to ask myself this question every day. Maybe it is a good idea to lose myself every once in a while, let go of everything I think I know, and re-orient with this question. I might very well have a different answer tomorrow, and I am okay with that.
PRAYER: Source of all that is, may I resist the temptation to walk through life half asleep. Nudge me to ask myself who I am, how I got here, and how I intend to live. Amen