You can listen to this week’s Devotional here
Author: Caitlin Smith
“How Hard it is to Listen; How Healing to Be Heard” – Center for Contemplative Living
For nine months in 2022 and 2023, I completed the Center for Contemplative Living’s “Contemplative Living Experience (CLE)” – a monthly program on Friday nights and all day on Saturdays to learn the practices that are central to contemplative spirituality. Contemplative spirituality has deep roots in Christianity, but in recent decades has been led and shaped by the teachings of Thomas Keating, who popularized centering prayer. The goal of the Contemplative Living Experience is to give each participant the tools necessary to detect, cultivate, and channel their inner spiritual self – the core light that lives below our egos and is so often silenced in the mundane and chaotic realities of daily life. The weekends had the same structure: Fridays started with centering prayer, followed by dinner and socializing, and concluding with an introduction to that month’s practice.
Saturdays were spent in silence, except for our “Holy Listening Circles (HLC),” during which our larger group broke into smaller groups of five, where we would each have five uninterrupted minutes to talk about our spiritual journey during the previous month (or unsuccessful attempts to apply the practices in the chaos and stress of our daily lives). The rest of the group would listen, sit silently for a minute, and reply with what they heard about the experiences or journey of the speaker. This quote, “how hard it is to listen, how healing to be heard” was printed on top of our monthly HLC handout– it quickly became our group’s mantra as each of us experienced the transformative grace that came as our inner truths, with all their complexity and brokenness, were received, held, and processed by others.
“How hard it is to listen; how healing to be heard.” Rarely have I heard a phrase that so perfectly captures the complex humanity of conversation. We are all deeply yearning to be heard – to know that our voice, stories, and emotions are a source of connection with others. Yet, to be heard, we need someone else to listen – to be silent as we talk and to acknowledge, somehow, the emotion or humanity in our words. Listening requires us to slow down, to step outside of our own thoughts and perspectives, and to get attached – or immersed – in the reality and experiences of someone else. Deep listening enables us to be a healer. Healing requires us to be courageous, vulnerable, and intimate – to slow down and invite others into the space behind our ego – to where our wounds, doubts, fears, or emotions reside – and trust them to sit with us and help hold our weight.
In the days and weeks between each HLC, I would navigate real life conversations while quietly repeating this mantra in my head. Whenever I found myself in conversations with those who have never learned to truly listen – with those who are quick to interrupt or to return conversations to what is of most interest to them, I would meditate on the first half “how hard it is to listen,” to remind myself that listening is a skill – and one that I could always refine or practice – until I could lean into listening. If the listening left me restless, I would shift to meditating on the second half “how healing to be heard” and focus on giving others the space to feel heard. After the conversation, I would evaluate whether I felt more like the healer or the healed – and adjust my expectations for subsequent interactions so I invested more in the people and spaces where I could play both roles. At some point during CLE, I began doing that discernment more seamlessly. It has since become instinctive – and instrumental in how I find, build, mend, or deepen my relationships and interactions.
“How hard it is to listen; how healing to be heard.” A simple, transformative mantra as we head into a chaotic summer – full of the joys and tribulations of ego-driven lives.